Musings, blogging and keeping well

Since taking the LWW Community Reporter and blog training last year, I’ve enjoyed contributing not only personal reflective posts, but also those about activities and events that have helped me remain well. The act of writing the articles themselves has been therapeutic. Other commitments and the long winter have prevented me from using or developing some of the ‘field’ reporting skills we learned. My faithful Bloggie ‘snap’ (camcorder) however, remains my constant companion.

During the eight week course we learned to use WordPress.com, which is  a ‘hosting platform’, or blog template tool which offers people the opportunity to set up a free blog. Learning these techniques fired my imagination sufficiently to also attempt designing my own blog,  I’ve tried several themes for it’s appearance. I like the freedom that creating my own blog allows me; choosing the theme and colourways has been satisfying, but time to publicize or develop them further is restricted, they are a hobby. I’m not expecting their topics to have wide appeal.

On the training course we discussed the use of Twitter or Facebook for widening the LWW audience. In addition I was was surprised to see on a module I take, Current Issues, that we were encouraged to start a Twitter account and use it in class! So now I am a little addicted twit..ter!

Report writing because of its more clinical format I find easier than creative or analytic, academic pieces. In my forties I was assessed with a disparity between my intellect and academic ability, an SplD akin to Dyslexia but with an affect on my aural comprehension.  The residual affects of ECT and  age related memory changes may also have  impacted on my composition skills, they are not always consistent.  It makes me frustrated, but oh the sense of achievement when the piece is  near to what I want to express.

Most of us probably know that remaining well is cyclic, like the seasons, …not linear. I don’t think promoting well-being is simply about putting a positive spin on what we might do to keep well. Having lived experience of mental distress undoubtedly makes life hard, my resilience has been affected by it. I find getting a balance between ‘doing’ things, ‘being’ and reflecting on past and present experiences all help me. ‘Being’ for me involves wrestling with some of the often disquieting thoughts and feelings that occur, allowing the healing water of time to wash over them. A good night’s sleep helps me but it’s something I am often chasing.

There were underlying causes which led up to my breakdowns and while diminishing, at times of stress they resurface. I try not to worry about any accumulative negative effect they, or their treatment may have caused me.

I believe one of the biggest factors in remaining reasonably well is, where possible, to have rejected the diagnosis I’ve been given and negotiate the treatment that remains. As much as I would like to be medication free, fear of another acute episode of being overwhelmed by thoughts of past events, prevent me from making a complete withdrawal, I have the freedom and professional support to do this at my own pace.

Being open, sharing experiences about mental health issues can be risky but I usually chance it even with strangers, doing so on a blog though is still an unknown. Feedback from friends, fellow contributors and comments from readers has proved a boost to my continued sharing. Sometimes my inspiration to write is low, I hope the summer months will improve my scope for community reporting. It was the spark of anger on this occasion, which intriguingly, roused my muse. Additionally my remembrance of the 18th century poet, John Clare’s commitment to share his truth despite his long struggle with mental distress, which spurred me on.

‘O Clare your poetry so translucent and clear, I salute you with tears’ Charles Causley.

Su

Magical thinking and Panto

Columbine and Harlequin

As a seven year old I danced the part of Columbine in a school panto, I have memories both of finding the masked Harlequin boy rather scary and choosing the material for the costume, white taffeta, with violet flower trimmings.

The fairly recent field of study into childhood memory has reported the improbability of adults being able to access memories of events prior to them being ‘age three, or few between three and six’

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Childhood_memory

Some early childhood memories appear to me, partly tales we tell ourselves and part family rhetoric, often when I’ve read memoirs which include early childhood experience I’m struck by the amazing clarity of the author’s recall of events which they present as facts, mine are generally rather hazy, although I do have a fleeting image  of watching the Queens coronation, 1953, on a neighbours TV, I would have been three, another ‘event’ when aged 4/5, where I snapped the lovely pearl beaded  trim from a favourite dress, my recall of the material’s  colour, pattern and feel, seem clear, neither event huge traumatic incidents, why remember them, why now?

It is commonly thought that as you get older you recovery earlier memories in ‘detail’ whereas you can’t always remember what happened earlier in the day! Stress and depression also appear to negatively affect memory regardless of age.

Sadly some children experience trauma and abuse of an extreme nature during their tender years and the imprint on their mind, can not be denied, neither can its impact on their later emotional and mental outlook or recall, my brother traumatised in a number of ways from a very young age claimed to have pre and perinatal memory,  research indicates it may be possible,

http://birthpsychology.com/free-article/prenatal-memory-and-learning

My childhood, was far from helpful in aiding me flourish in several aspects of my development and well being,  one quirky thing about it was Mum discouraged me  reading many fairy stories, I had the impression she thought they were nonsense, her quest for ‘truth’ led her to over expose me to stories from scripture, portraying them as factual, some might argue these were equally as make believe as the former.  l went on to learn the traditional children’s stories at nursery and junior  school.

The  doctrinal beliefs  of mum’s religion used the Christmas celebration, with it’s ‘pagan’ trappings surrounding the  ‘real’ meaning. Jesus symbolic birth date, as a chance to distance themselves from mainstream religion.The magical gift giving personage of Santa Claus, was similarly considered nonsensical and fanciful.

People often feel sorry for kids raised in this way as though they ‘miss out’, however since they socialise with others who uphold the same beliefs they have a chance to feel ‘normal’, a lot depends also on how their parents promote the child’s self confidence and personal conviction, it aided me to have the courage not to be afraid  to be different, stand up for what I thought was right, I think that helped me to speak openly about my mental ‘breakdowns’ when they happened as an adult.

The mental and emotional sifting of ‘breakdown’ also enabled me to embrace some aspects of other belief systems and magical thinking. I had already, when I became a mum, re- discovered the the value of children’s stories and rhymes, things I had long forgotten, these returned sufficiently to sing or tell them to my daughter, bringing her up in a culture where little western literature was available,most of my story telling came from memory, she  loved the story of Cinderella. Although not considering myself part of any wave of Feminism, that story went against every grain of my  thought and experience as a woman. therefore I found it hard to relate it every night, on return to this country, pantomime proved an enjoyable and new adventure for us both. where else can you relieve pent up emotion in such a fun way? a good boo, hiss and stamping of feet I find very therapeutic.

Now of grandma age but not yet with the pleasure of grandchildren, I find myself drawn toward children’s stories and rhyme. Occasionally I child sit, it’s delightful seeing the youngster’s pleasure at reading books, watching fantasy film or playing  ’round and round the garden’ or similar games.

My patchy knowledge of fairy tales became apparent whilst writing a small ‘creative’ piece in which I described myself as an ice maiden, an after thought, perhaps I meant snow queen.

Snow Queen

I had the vague idea they both stood outside the stereotypical image of female characterisation, and that’s what I had intended, a brief look at Wikipedia clarified the difference of their characters……Ice Maiden – a comic book super heroine ‘her greatest ability is to become very cold and create ice armor in times of great stress. Her powers are closely linked to her mental state’, the Snow Queen is less altruistic and complex in her behaviour.

A few days later while visiting someone with an eight year old girl, the 2001 version of ‘Snow White: The Fairest of them all’,came on tv, the mum and grandma present were equally as enthralled as the kid, I was for a while. It didn’t seem to be true to the version I knew, it had a much darker interpretation  and seemed in dispersed with themes of the splintered mirror from the Snow Queen story, while it led me to read a little of the theme of Snow White and the seven dwarfs, I came across another completely different story about two girls, Red Rose, Snow White and one dwarf!

Rose Red and Snow White

These stories are frequently about the struggle between good and evil, within and without ourselves and happy endings abound, after all they are primarily for children, for whom magical thinking gives  a way of living in the land of  real giants, their parents. who at times are kind and gentle, at others harsh and shrill. Although professionals recognise such thinking as normal in childhood, if it continues in to adulthood it may receive diagnosis  and treatment and is even recorded in the DSM as a symptom of mental illness, where is the borderline between ‘abnormal’ magical thinking and fantasy? I think my fantastical ‘journeys’ keep me sane!

One pantomime without a happy end  in sight, is called the ‘Five Giants of Widsi’ who afflict the poor with all kind of want and illness, curtailed for a while by the good fairy, Well Fair, let loose again by the Mistress of the Thatched Palace on Thames, the Third Way Downing Labourers and the Three Boyes Poshe of Minstyre D’ytat, who use the elves, Pip and Esa of Credite de Universiale, to further tighten the belts of humble folks throughout their Kingdom,…. Boo, Hiss and Stamp!

A previous discussion in the comments area of this  blog touched on the theme of ‘the personal as political’, hopefully,  2013 will give scope for contributors to comment on the ways they combat  injustices which have affected their mental health and how they mange to generally keep well. I recommend a trip to the Panto, going as a large group often attracts good discounts.

Su.